


behind his eyes

by shukagari



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Nothing too explicit, although it took me ages to get it how i wanted it, brief mentions of smut, death is essential to the whole plot, i had fun writing it, in a poetic way, it's basically just oikawa thinking about his life, not really sad i think, pls read the top notes before you read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 01:18:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5477912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shukagari/pseuds/shukagari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is said: “The very second before you die your life flashes before your eyes in full technicolour.  In staccato voices, bursts of emotion and passing, fleeting images. Your life stutters into play like an old film reel behind your eyes; you watch, you live in retrospect and then; you die.”<br/>-<br/>Iwaizumi is above him eyes still closed and lips red; Oikawa watches the sun rise behind his head and knows he has never seen anything more beautiful than Iwaizumi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	behind his eyes

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work posted on here; I've been trying to write something up for months but this is first thing I've finished so I'm pretty happy. 
> 
> I use the word 'plasters' in this; it's basically band-aids but that's what I call them (I'm English).
> 
> Umm, warnings: no really explicit sex scenes but I allude to it a few times, if you find death or mentions of after life triggering please don't read. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!! :)

_“If nothing good happens today I'll kill myself.”_

Maybe it's selfish. Maybe it's putting too much pressure on everything, and everyone around you to give you one significant, good thing to make you live. Or maybe there's no pressure at all. Maybe the world feels nothing, cares nothing for you. After all, what are you to the world but a tiny insignificant speck amongst a river of other brighter things? What is your short life in a time that stretches on and on, without end?

 **World:** _“To me you are everything”._

-

It is said: _“The very second before you die your life flashes before your eyes in full technicolour. In staccato voices, bursts of emotion and passing, fleeting images. Your life stutters into play like an old film reel behind your eyes; you watch, you live in retrospect and then; you die.”_

It is said: _“The very second between the inhale and the final exhale; stretches on and on like an endless ocean of time.”_ In your last moments, time seems to be slow to run passed you; as one of the universe's last sympathetic allowances. A breath drawn in, and out; your chest deflates in one steady rush of air and it is the end.

His last moments are in their home. On a mattress were the springs press hard into his weary, old body. The window is open, the air is still and quiet; and he stares sightlessly at the swirling ceiling above his head in a feeling reminiscent of anticipation. He blinks, his vision is cloudier. He blinks again, he can no longer see the pattern of the ceiling – it is just a seemingly endless, pure white (he doesn't know if his eyes are shut or open anymore). And then; the film stutters into life behind his eyes.

For Oikawa it is;

 **Iwaizumi's hands.** Small, pudgy ones which drag him home with plasters on his knees and laughter in his head. Then strong, sturdy hands with calluses all over; that touched oikawa's back, his neck, the corner of his lips, his body all over and kept him from falling down, or pulled him to his feet every time he did (that were always there. That were always there for him to hold, to hit the volleyball he sent into the air with absolute trust, to touch his lips and mend his wounds). Ones that open a door for him, pull out a chair, touch the small of his back in guidance, hold his own when the other rests on the steering wheel, that curl into his hair, tip his head back and dig into the bed beneath them; and hold his cheeks in long-known tenderness as they kiss. _In the end_ , hands like delicate paper stretched over old bones and blue veins, that intertwined with his on the mattress of a hospital bed; that Oikawa pulled to his lips in feather-light kisses.

 **Iwaizumi's lips.** That pull back into wide grins with missing teeth; urge him with words of encouragement to climb the tree faster and then yell at him in a flurry of worry that he is coming to him when he stumbles, agree to building castles in the sand, and say _no, oikawa_ at first to volleyball. Lips that give smaller smiles, that scowl so much it seems natural and pout in concentration, that berate him for _staying up all night, practising too hard_ and worry over him almost every breath; that give the big toothy grins of childhood in victory and in moments alone, that kiss his own under pale-lit nights and under blankets and rushes of passion. That open around a quiet moan near his ear under freshly laundered sheets, that breathe out stuttered words of encouragement, that whisper _I love you_ 's into his sweat-damp skin and laugh out loud, still scowl, and smile and press soft kisses into his hair, to his brow, under his eyes, his nose and the corner of his lips. That have lines turned down at the corners in old age, they continue to smile soft, scowl and kiss. (That murmur broken off _I love you_ 's continuously, stopped by kisses, and hands, and last of all death).

 **Iwaizumi's eyes.** Brown like dark, melted chocolate that in their youth shone with a childish mischief, that curved up when he smiled, that squinted shut when he tried not to cry, that spoke unspoken volumes, rolled back in pleasure, that sought out the best in Oikawa, noticed when he was hurting, watched him fail at volleyball and win, urged him forward, pulled him along, further and further ahead to dreams, into new love and happiness, that spoke of such tender feelings when they looked at him that it made his heart ache, and _thump thump_ out of step.

 **Iwaizumi's heart.** That burst with feeling, and exuded so much light and gave so much love to Oikawa; and that just had to fuck up on him and leave Oikawa all alone.

 **Iwaizumi's everything.** He loved Iwaizumi's everything, loved everything about him and loved him with everything he could. He loved him, he loved him and continues to love him.

-

Transition;

Strangers.  
_“My mum knows your mum; we should be friends.” “Why?”._  
Acquaintances.  
_“He collects bugs, he's gross.” “He cries too easily. He wiped his snot on me. Why aliens?”_  
Friends.  
Best friends.  
_“Let's play volleyball together, Iwa-chan!”_  
Partners.  
Sweethearts.  
_“Tooru.” “Hajime.”_  
Lovers.  
Till death do us part.

-

 **Strong** arms wrap around his middle from behind as an ocean wave rushes in and sweeps him off his feet, they hold him steady; lips that muffle laughter into his wet skin and press desperate kisses into his own when they reach the shore in a stumbling, fumbling mess. Fingers that curl in his hair, cup his cheek and slip along his jawline. Iwaizumi wraps him in a towel when he begins to shiver, and holds him in his solid embrace as they watch the sun dip below the horizon; an opalescent spectacle.

 **A** family holiday to a coastal village, and the first time that Iwaizumi tags along. They play in the sand as little boys; building sandcastles that dissolve and sink back into nothing when high tide rushes in. They run away from the tide, and back towards it in a push and pull dance; their laughter building to a high crescendo until it dies out immediately when Oikawa's feet are soaked, pulled upon by the waves; he grabs Iwaizumi's hand and drags him off the beach and away as they run side by side. As teenagers they come back, and they kiss for the first time with all the clumsy awkwardness of youth and little practice in Iwaizumi's case (blushingly denied). There is sand in Oikawa's hair and Iwaizumi reaches over to brush it out, and Oikawa leans in and kisses him; under a clear sky and bright moon. It is a moment that has been a long time coming, and in the works since brown eyes met brown eyes, and spikey hair and tanned skin.

 **Oikawa's** bedroom; the breaking of dawn outside the window, a slow breeze blows in and ruffles Oikawa's soft hair and cannot stir a strand of Iwaizumi's gelled hair; now messed up by Oikawa's hands. Clothes are strewn across the floor that had been removed in quick-fire, ravenous heat between slow kisses. They had collapsed on the bed together in full nakedness when the moon shone on their bare skin and painted them grey. The morning after they are entwined, uncomfortably sweaty and sticky, but they pull each other ever closer. Oikawa hides smiles in Iwaizumi's shoulder; and Iwaizumi stares at him with so much love and pulls his head up to press his lips to his forehead, to give him eskimo kisses and feather-light touches to lips that dissolve into more.

 **They** sit on a park bench, the telescope Iwaizumi had bought him between their legs. Oikawa points in excited jabs at the night sky, barely stopping to take a breath as he maps out the way he theorises the aliens are going. (Iwaizumi only _hmms_ and _ahhs_ in all the right places with minimal effort, more intent on watching the way the stars sparkle in his best friend's eyes, and he lets a small smile curl on his lips).

 **Iwaizumi** takes pictures of him constantly. He'll be staring out at the dark sea from a board walk, eating an ice cream that dribbled down his arms and chin, arms stretched towards the stars and eyes closed, sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the TV in gleeful delight as he watches a volleyball match – and he'll be caught off guard when he hears the familiar _click_ of Iwaizumi's camera. When Oikawa asks him _why_ _?_ ; he snorts, _like you don't know_ , he says a smile pulling at the corner of his lips as he looks through his pictures. _I don't know_. Iwaizumi quirks his head to the side in an endearing show of bewilderment, with his eyebrows slightly scrunched he admits easily; _because you are so beautiful_. Oikawa buys his own camera, and says the same when asked by an Iwaizumi with his red face behind his hands about the multitude of pictures he's been taking.

 **At** a bathhouse during a training camp Iwaizumi offers to wash his back and Oikawa lets him. He burns hot beneath his skin wherever Iwaizumi's hands touch, and he wonders _why?_ He watches as Iwaizumi shivers beneath his hands as Oikawa rubs soap onto his skin, and feels something warm and fluttery settle in his belly.

 **In** victory tears sparkle in their eyes; and the sounds of a phantom volleyball hitting the floor play again and again in their heads. Iwaizumi holds him in his arms; hands pressed to the small of his back and shoulders. Oikawa buries his face in his best friend's neck and lets the tears fall, and his open smile touch the skin there.

 **As** children, backs stuck to the dew-wet grass they watch the sun rise in its slow arch from beneath the horizon; in awe of the world's natural beauty. As adults, Oikawa's back is pressed to wet grass and he can feel the water soaking through his expensive dress shirt but he doesn't care. Iwaizumi is above him eyes still closed and lips red; Oikawa watches the sun rise behind his head and knows he has never seen anything more beautiful than Iwaizumi.

-

Iwaizumi;

“I love you?” question.  
“I love you.” certain.  
“I love you, Oikawa” breathless.  
“I LOVE OIKAWA TOORU” shouted; ecstatic, Oikawa blushes and Iwaizumi pulls him to him and presses kisses all over his face.  
“I love you, Tooru.” New.  
“I love you, I love you, I love you...” between kisses.  
“I love-” broken off.

-

“To me you are everything” Iwaizumi murmured into sun-kissed skin under a hot sun in their youth.

“To me you are everything” he says, palms holding tear-soaked cheeks and thumbs that circle around bitten lips, and wipe under moist eyes.

“To me you are everything” Iwaizumi says on a beach after awkward clumsy kisses, eyes closed and mouth red; Oikawa leans in to kiss him again.

“To me you are everything” Hajime groans, lips pressed to a glistening neck as his hips stutter against Oikawa's in a darkened hotel room.

“To me you are everything” he says in a hospital room with a fluorescent light that tickers on and off incessantly.

-

 _'I wonder what he saw'_ Oikawa thinks. He feels detached from his own body, he cannot see or hear, but he is peaceful (like he is in a bath of warm water and a bright, blinding light shines overhead). He lets out a long steady breath, his chest deflates in a rush and he dies.

The cars come to life outside, and trundle on on their way to work in the early morning, the sun sends out feelers which slowly brighten the sky into molten gold and then a hazy blue. Birds awaken and fill the air with their morning babble. The earth moves on, and continues revolving, and no one notices an old man lost to the wind.

Two old lovers reunite in the afterlife; _“I missed you, I missed you so much”_ _“I was always watching, I was always with you”_ , and they feel nothing but gratitude for their small, short lives in a universe so large they were only specks (or stars that suddenly burst to life, shone brightly for all the time that was given to them, and then went out) and in a time that stretches on and on, to no foreseeable end (the moments they had were theirs, the time that was given to them was theirs from beginning to end – they were meant to be).

-

Not everyday has to a be a good one (a bad day is not wasted, and sometimes needed but never wanted). For life to be wholesome sometimes bad days eclipse the good. Would good not become monotonous if that was all you had? And sometimes the bad teaches you important things even if they hurt (that you can live even with it).

Although sometimes the bad can never be good; there is no pretty words that can make it so, there is no lesson, there is just loss, hurt or no feeling at all. Sometimes it's hard to think of a future in such bleak times; but don't worry, the good days will come around again – and you will deserve them.

_This is a time and place for you, in this ocean of time you are meant to live and a place among the stars is yours, forever eternal_

**World** : _“To me you are everything”_.  
And without you I am lost; until you return to me.

 

**Author's Note:**

> *tries to be wise*. No, but a lot of this is very personal to me (mainly the very beginning and end) and I guess I wanted to share some of my own feelings in this, and what I have learnt. It was strangely cathartic to get it down. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!! Comments, and kudos (if you liked it!) are greatly appreciated :)
> 
> You can find me at: sakuragimichi.tumblr.com


End file.
